Sudden Surge of Anger

I shouldn't be angry at him anymore. Really. I recently decided that I should just live with what happened and that I should just turn the anger into vapor... because in the first place, I know better than him (Thanks to my original gym buddy for saying that to me).

Well, just now, I realized the anger just went down to my sub-conscious. I was like having a one-sided battle during today's session. 'Insulting' his initiative at cleaning the equipment -- showing an upset face (taas ang isang kilay, salubong ang dalawang kilay, you know how it looks like) because he didn't get MY alcohol and placed two rags on the armrest so that the stinky smell with not stick to me (which I do not like because the rags look like a gazillion liters of sweat has dried up there) and turning up Lukas' volume to give him a hard time communicating with me. Which left his brother staring at me in disbelief.

Oh and not to mention how I answered him when he told me that he will not be there for a morning session.

Him: Wala ulit ako ng umaga bukas. Sa hapon na ulit ang balik ko.

Me: Not affected.

Him: Ha? Ano?

Me: NOT AFFECTED.

Which left everybody, yes including his brother (haha), glancing at me in disbelief (Cos they know how things between us went before the so-called fading out).

OMG! What is happening to me?! These 'mood swings' have been on my neck for the past month! I need my shrink aka my bestfriend!

Hot Potato

I refused to accept the fact that I am hurt with what is happening in my social life right now. I told myself for the past two weeks that I was just irritated but deep inside of me, I am also hurt. 

I was a victim of a classic playboy. 

It makes me cry.

All I wanted was to create a new network because you see, receiving education in the Metro gave me limited friends in my hometown. Okay so maybe I was too friendly and he saw a different sign. But like I posted, IN ALL HONESTY I DID NOT FLIRT. 

I refused to accept the fact that I am hurt because I feel like I do not have a single right to feel that because nothing that is officially special happened between us. 

He assumed too much and it hurts me. 

I am hurt because of the "silent fall out". 

I am hurt because I feel that he "collected" me. 

I am hurt because I feel like I lost a friend. 

I am hurt because of the tension between us and I wish that everything will be back to normal. But I don't want to wish every single day because I don't want to give false hopes to myself and it will lead to more hurting. 

Everything was so sudden and it hurts me. 

I feel like a dropped hot potato.

October's Emotional Outbursts

I was (and still is) vulnerable to emotional outbursts since the opening of the past week. Everything just seems to stress me out and it makes a great pre-requisite for an outburst. It's extra hard to cope with my "shoulders" missing in action.

My latest thoughts/QLC's: 

1. After three years, I still refuse to believe that he does not have any regrets when things ended between us. 

2. Why is that there are times that I still miss him and I always remind myself to stop that kind of foolishness because for all I know, I am the last person to ever cross his mind. 

3. Things between us has already ended. I refused to go back to square one. So why do I sometimes wish to start all over again with him. 

4. Do I always look at the long term effects and ignore the short term effects that's why I let go of my chance at happiness with him? 

5. Am I just imagining that there's tension between a new friend and myself? I can feel that he is keeping his distance from me. I'd totally understand if he wants to do that (he has a girlfriend and he needs to take care of that relationship) but I don't consider myself as a threat. 

I may have wanted to flirt with him in the past and I may seem to have done that. IN ALL HONESTY, I did not flirt! Because when I saw his posts in English... desire level went extremely negative (call me bad now! haha). 

6. Regarding to thought number 5, I just don't like how we're giving the cold-ish treatment to each other cos it was so sudden. I feel like I'm just following his lead when it comes to interacting with him that's why I can't turn back the wheel to its original position even if  I wanted to. We're not the best of friends to talk things out. 

So there. 

Whew!

Thanks to the person who invented blogs. It made me feel not a whole better but it somehow helped me in dealing with my emotional outbursts. 

 

A Genuine Smile is Like Diarrhea.. it makes my knees weak.

It was agreed between me, myself and I that he, let's call him BT, is just for practice -- a simple flirting exercise only. Nothing more, nothing less. I even contemplated on that thought for over 2 months or so. 

Here's the story on how I failed on that exercise. 

So there I was on the first day of the exercise, entering the fitness room you call gym with my usual stuff that everyone should avoid bringing inside the gym. Water bottle hanging on my right thumb, towel and iPod on my right hand, little purse hanging on my left wrist and something else I can't remember on my left hand. What I'm trying to say is that I can't open the glass door leading to the gym. BT is seated on his usual seat by the door talking with his partner in everyday crime, Man Number 1. 

Oh crap! BT and Man Number 1 are two great examples of a modern-day gentleman. They just looked at me and continued talking with each other. You know what, they were probably thinking, "San kaya to pupunta? Magshashopping?"

Anyway! Taking into consideration that my hands are full, I pushed the door (which by the way says PULL) with my barely-there butt. I stood in front of BT and Man Number 1 for quite some time till I got the mini-candies out of my little purse. 

When I finally got one out of my purse, I threw one to Man Number 1. BT kept on talking to him and didn't notice to throw one mini-candy to him too. OH POOR mini-candy...fell on the floor. 

"Naman e!" I said. 

"Uy! Sorry. Slow e." BT said. 

Then the cause of my failure came. 

BT said thank you. BT gave out something genuine... something that only chosen (in my point of view) guys have... something like diarrhea. 

BT, by the way, is not one of those chosen guys. As I have said, he was just for practice. But it turned out he was one of the chosen guys who possesses that something. 

I never expected it to be so genuine and so beautiful. 

Anyhoooots! Soooooo he said thank you... 

And...

And...

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

BT smiled. 

Yes, his smile is like my drummer boy's smile. It's like diarrhea. It made my knees weak.

Total fail! 

January QLC

Tama si Marilou Diaz-Abaya nang sabihin nyang "Weeks after reading the novel, Ricky Lee's characters continue to haunt me..." sa kanyang blurb para sa nobelang Para Kay B na isinulat ni Ricky Lee. 

Maganda ang nobela. Sa katunayan nga, binili ko ang libro kagabi at pag-uwi ko'y kalahati na agad ang nabasa ko bago ako tuluyang makatulog. Lahat ng emosyong nadama ng mga tauhan ay nadama ko din. 

Pumaloob sa akin ang takot at ang realidad na ang TV ay malakas ang kakayahang diktahan tayo ng kung ano ang dapat madama sa bawat sitwasyon... at sa nobelang ito ang sitwasyon ay ang pag-ibig. Ang takot na aking nadama ay patungkol sa pag-ibig. 

Ang hirap kasi sa pagbabasa ng kahit anong nobela ay hindi ito nagbibigay ng kahit anong babala... kung tatamaan ka, hindi ka talaga makakaiwas. Tinamaan ako, one way or the other, habang binabasa ko kaya ako natakot. 

Sabi sa nobela, "...hindi mo puwedeng mahalin ang isang tao nang hindi mo minamahal ang hilaga, silangan, timog at kanluran ng kanyang mga paniniwala. Kapag nagmahal ka'y dapat mong tanggapin bawat letra ng kanyang birth certificate. Kasa na doon ang kanyang libag, utot at bad breath." 

Iyon ang hindi ko nagawa (sa kasalukuyan, ito ang number one sa list of regrets ko) at hindi ko alam kung magagawa ko yun sa mga susunod kong papasukan. Pero alam kong kelangan kong magawa iyon kung gusto kong lumigaya. 

Pagkatapos kong basahin ang nobela, hindi ko maiwasang mag-isip na sana isa na lang akong tauhan sa isang nobela o di kaya'y sana isa na lang akong writer at ako din ang nagsusulat ng sarili kong kwento. 

At least kung tauhan ako, kung maisipan ng writer na bigyan ako ng happy ending (na kadalasan nama'y ginagawa ng mga manunulat dahil sa convention), e di thank you! Parang overrated na teleserye lang. 

At kung writer naman ng sarili kong kwento, kung may may mali akong nagawa o maling desisyong nabitawan, puwedeng puwede kong itong i-revise. Pipindutin ko lang ang backspace key, maiiba na ang ikot ng buhay ko, parang Bedtime Stories lang. 

Pero... hindi iyon ang paraan para mahanap ang tunay na kaligayahan. Mas masarap pa ding mabuhay ng "no revisions allowed, all answers are final" dahil iyon lang ang tanging paraan upang matuto tayo. 

Kung walang nagkakamali, walang natututo. 'Yan ang inihahatid sa akin ng nobela. 

In all fairness, sobrang totoo ang blurb ni Marilou Diaz-Abaya. Hindi ako makakagawa ng post tungkol sa nobelang Para Kay B ni Ricky Lee kung hindi nanuot sa akin ang buong pagkatao ng mga tauhan ng nobela. 

(waw in Filipino! Refreshing post ito para sa akin!)

23 on 23 Thank You's

Better late than never. 

Last week was my 23rd birthday. 23 on 23! I was sick but the whole week was filled with little celebrations of life. My birthday week was made special by lot of people. 

My birthday gift came in way too early. Thanks Mom and Dad. I'll soak up the sun on the 26th of Feb. I hope I'll get fried.

Thank you, Teacher Tricia for the chocolate. Thank you for knowing that I cannot live without chocolates especially after each meal. Thank you for making my Wednesday extra insane. Bwahaha! I will never forget that!

Thank you, Teacher Janine for the pomelos! We had fun taking pictures and munching on it after. The best pomelos that I have eaten came from you!

Thank you, Teacher Shell for spending your Thursday lunch with us. You made my birthday extra special because you haven't been eating lunch with us for the longest time. 

Thank you, Chia for being my gym buddy. It made my gym (not work out according to Jaypee) visits fun. (The words extra fun is reserved for... LOL!) Thank you for making me jologs. You are the true jologs queen of my life. *Well, well, that's really something...huuuuh!* Thank you for the Commuting 101 lessons. Thank you for loving me too much... I don't deserve it. *yes parang Cinema One lang!*

My gratitude to Cha and Jade are beyond words. They are the only ones who can stick to my insanely way of coping with my QLCs and my never-ending-torpe-highschoolish-kilig moments. You make my whole year round super duper extra special. Basta beyond words. :)

And to all those who greeted me (Gosh! There are tons of you, guys!)... I am giving you a giant bear hug and loads of kisses. :)

To Ate and the rest of her barkada... thank you for spending the eve of my birthday with me unknowing that it's my birthday. Bwahaha! It's always fun to meet new people. 

And so there. I won't pretend and say that I did not forget anyone. 

THANK YOU EVERYBODY! 

2010 Year-Opener

If I have a year-ender post, I must have a year-opener post too. :p

January 1, 2010.

Oh hello, brand new year. 

Thank you for pushing the fact that I exactly have 22 days left before I turn 23. 

You pushed it too much. 

Thank you for telling me that there's 2 more days left on my paid vacation. I don't want to report to work yet. But I am more than willing to report to the gym (tee-hee).

Again, I'll wish for the impossible. May we have a CLEAN ELECTIONS this year. 

May this year be full of blessings and may this year be also filled with efforts on saving Mother Earth. 

Happy 2010 everyone!